Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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