I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She announced her abortion via fbk
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
