I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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