I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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