If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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