I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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