I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
