I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
