i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
