I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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