apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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