Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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