just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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