i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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