Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
