Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
