I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
