Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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