Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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