She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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