Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
