Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
