i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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