Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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