My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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