im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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