i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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