You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
