Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
