She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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