when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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