Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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