if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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