I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
