dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
