i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
