based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
