You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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