I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
