she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
