I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
