Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
