You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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