I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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