I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
