Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
