I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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