and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
