a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
