rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
