Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And then my night got REAL pukey
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
