Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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