Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Someone signed my nipple.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
