life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
