He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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