Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize