Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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