god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
