Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
