He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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