everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
