i already hear my dad disowning me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
