I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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