cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
