I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize