she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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