don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
