There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
